Monsters come in all shapes and sizes. Figuratively and literally. There are the imaginary ones under the bed (they aren't really there, right?). Then you have the cute ones recently featured in myriad animated movies.
Then there are the monsters of the road; the tractor-trailers traveling the highways of America and the land yachts of this generation, the SUV.
It was that last bit that got us going on this tangent: we got to spend a quasimodo-esque week with a more-powerful 2006 Hummer H1 Alpha wagon. And for anyone even remotely familiar with the HUMMER brand, you know that these vehicles were first conceived as a civilian-use military truck. And we can honestly say that it's still not far off the military family tree.
"Alpha represents HUMMER performance taken to its ultimate extension," according to HUMMER general manager Susan Docherty. "That means improving HUMMERs already-unmatched off-road capability, along with enhancements to fuel efficiency and driving comfort on the road. As the original HUMMER, the H1 is the perfect vehicle to mark the start of the Alpha series."
Here, here!
And let
us tell you that the big dog Alpha lives up to its name in every way, shape
and form. It is the king of whatever road it travels, or makes as the case may
be, and it commands all in its vicinity to come closer an ogle its righteousness…or
maybe that was just our perception.
It seemed that everyone out in the world could do nothing but stare at the H1.
A few brave souls came by and asked questions or made comments but no one commented
on the gas guzzling nature of the Beast, as we eventually referred to it.
It's just as well they didn't, since the H1 we drove came equipped with the new-to-HUMMER-for-2006 6.6-liter Duramax turbo diesel that makes a chest-thumping 300 horsepower and foundation-rocking 520 lb.-ft. of torque, about 95 and 94 more than the previous 6.5-liter turbo diesel, respectively. We're talking enough power to tow almost anything this side of a fifth-wheel or to pull that stubborn old stump on your back 40 out of its resting place and drag it into the pond for the fishies to enjoy.
The only drawback to the gobs of power is the fuel mileage…let's just say that if you need to ask then maybe you shouldn't. Or, to put it another way, the H1 doesn't list its mileage numbers on the vehicle sticker, like any other heavy-duty truck. What we can sya about the mileage is the we got about 500 miles between both tanks…and with about 50 total gallons used, you could say the Beast got around 10 miles per gallon of diesel fuel. But that is mere conjecture and not necessarily based on any real events (names will be changed to protect the innocent!).
Inside, the Beast was decked out in fashionable (for taking over third world dictatorships) leather in a stylish two-tone treatment. We liked the feel and comfort of the driver's seat as well; once we figured out how to get it adjusted to our dimensions. And once we got used to our left arm rubbing the door; it is that close in there.
To give you a better idea how tight the driving quarters are in an H1, there are no airbags, and if there were, they might take your head off because you practically sit on top of the steering wheel. Don't get us wrong, though. The driving position was comfy and all controls were well at hand, especially the radio controls, which weren't even in the same hemisphere as the front passenger…Can you say "I have the Power" over the radio?! (he he)
But then,
between the seats, there is a great expanse, not unlike Siberia in its vastness.
This great space in the passenger area has a lot to do with the running gear
and other vehicle systems tucked high into the frame for Mt. Everest-like ground
clearance.
For even better protection out on the trail, our test truck was fitted with
an off-road package that included a tubular-steel ladder to protect the already
hidden running gear…talk about some serious off-road attributes!
And, so as not to let you forget you're driving a Beast of a machine, setting the parking brake was akin to curling 15 pounds; too bad it worked on just one arm.
And let us also not forget all the other nifty features a vehicle like this provides for your driving and pillaging pleasure: Of note was the cool door stays on the rear of the Beast. These handy little rubber booties accepted the male counterpart form the doors so that there were immobilized in the open position, leaving the doors out of mind for loading or unloading your gear or those spare parts your buddy needed to get his Jeep unstuck.
Another fine feature that came with the Beast was the Central Tire Inflation System. The CTIS allows the driver (since no one else can really reach the controls) to adjust, front or rear, the air pressure in the tires to maximize traction, no matter what situation you might find yourself in (see the Jeep comment above).
And now, about that price…Again, if you really need to ask, then maybe the Beast is not for you.
Our black diamond tester started at $139,771, which includes the Duramax diesel; Allison automatic; Goodyear GSAs; dual tanks; CTIS; heated front seats; Monsoon sound with six-disc changer; trailer towing package; heated windshield and mirrors; power locks/windows and keyless entry; two-speed lockable transfer case and a rearview mirror with compass, temp readout and map light.
Add to that our vehicles off road package (12,000-pound winch; front and rear electronically locking axels and 17-inch two-piece aluminum wheels) at $5,726.00, a tire upgrade for $100 and a $1,025 destination charge and you get a total as-tested price of $146,622.00. Or, something no mere mortal can hope to afford without winning the lottery.
The bottom line is, if you want people to stare and have that macho, he-man feeling, and need to haul a lot of stuff or like to fell trees, the H1 Alpha is your ride.